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Had I only known, had I only paid attention, I might have seen that you were ing out; that you were all but screaming for me to notice, for me to see you in front of me. I was blind. After all these years, only now do I understand. Yes, I was older than you in the chronological sense, but I still had the mind of a young man. I saw only myself; I pursued my interests, my passions, my whims; starting xxx only to drop it in favor of another. My attention divided a thousand ways, there was not enough of me left for you. Your love carried on far longer than it should have. I want you to know that my failure to be the man you needed, the man who could give you the love and attention you deserved, was not because I did not love you; on the contrary, married man fucking girl my love was, and remains, far deeper than I even knew possible; only at that time I simply did not know any better. It is a paltry excuse, I know. And so, when the trials of being with a in a man's body were too much for your heart to bear, when my moods and depression had taken their toll, when my emotional infidelity left you abandoned and uncared for, you left me. I want you to know that I felt no ill will. I understood that I gave you no choice, you were ready to move on -- you were ready to be happy. I was not. I will never understand why I could not move forward; what kept me anchored in the past, but I did understand that you could not wait for me. So I let you go. I wanted to be a man. I tried to be stoic, allowing you to blossom like a rosebud in fertile soil. I gave you your space, removing myself like a weed. I convinced myself that it was for the best, and that happiness lie elsewhere. I still ask myself; could you have seen that as me not caring for you? I can't help but wonder; should I have fought for you? Should I have not given up so easily? Should I have tried harder to prove my worth, or was it too late, even then? These are thoughts I will never grow used to. Even as we parted, your love, your caring spirit, continued on. You let me know that you wanted the best for me, to see me grow and prosper. If only for you, I tried. I started to look forward; I began to think about the future. I tried not to be short sighted and taken by flights of fancy. I moved on, and I thought I found happiness in someone new. She was wonderful, but she was not right. I tried to make the pieces fit, but the puzzle never came together. Despite that, I am grateful for the experience. She taught me what a woman needs from a man, she showed me how to be with someone, how to give my heart away. But instead of being able to give my heart to her, I could only see everything that I had done wrong with you; I saw all the mistakes I had made. She taught me how to be a better man, but for her, I could not be that man. 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